Why I Started… its a long story.

As you may Know, I have Crohn’s disease, which usually means I have to cut out dairy, be careful with known irritants like gluten, spicy food and thick skinned veggies.  However being pregnant gave me magic hormones, which made me symptom free and put my Crohns disease completely in remission.

For the first time in 6 years I could eat whatever I wanted with no repercussions. No tummy aches, no severe bloating, no…. how shall I put this delicately…. debilitating digestive issues.

So with that in mind, what did I eat? I ate cake.

I ate cake at least twice a day, every day for 9 months. I ate every variety of cake and pudding I could find.
I was fairly active during pregnancy. My Husky Loki demanded it even with my big belly and swollen ankles. So although I gained a lot of (cake) weight, it stayed in the healthy range for my size. Unfortunately once Moo was born, despite my active efforts,  it was quite evident where every slice of cake I had ever eaten, was residing.

My cake was living in a wobbly tyre around my hips, tummy and lower back. The puddings (I decided) went a bit further north and set up camp as two fat flaps under my bra strap. Marvellous.  Four months after my baby, not only was I a stone and half over weight but I felt like I had aged 10 years too.

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4 months postpartum

The weekend before I started Kayla Itsines BBG was my sister’s birthday.  Emma was in a completely different place to me, she was confident, she felt great about herself and she wanted to celebrate.  She organised a night out to a super swanky London restaurant for a small group of couples.  James and I were to be the only non Londoners, so I was determined not to look frumpy or mumsy.  I bought a beautiful, bright, sexy, figure hugging dress, convincing myself that this was exactly what I needed. That if I could squeeze myself in to this dress I would feel good about myself. So I got prepped.  I got a spray tan, I painted my nails, I blew out my hair and I armed myself with a pair of super strength tummy control Spanx, like I was going into battle.

That night that was meant to be so glamorous, so fun, so luxurious and indulgent… felt so uncomfortable.

We started out a popular celebrity champagne bar.

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My sister and I having pre-drinks at Searcys Champagne bar

By the time my second Bellini arrived, my enormous breastfeeding boobs ( that were growing larger by the second) were on the verge of exploding out of the top of my low cut dress.  Feeling them throbbing uncontrollably, I politely excused myself to the ladies room. I locked myself in a very luxe black toilet cubicle, took down my top and by hand, I started to PUMP and DUMP in to the toilet.  Yes…I mean that crouching over the porcelain bowl of an exclusive London hotspot; I milked myself like a cow.  To make matters worse, in my vain attempt not get any of my milk on my new dress I ended up spraying my milky goodness all over the walls of the cubicle, the walls that were black, that showed up every milky white drop in all its sparkly glistening glory.. It looked like I’d boobie painted a night sky Christmas blizzard.  I then spent the next ten minutes trying to buff the milk stains off the shiny lacquered walls with loo paper, as I was too embarrassed for the toilet attendant to see the mess I had made.

I hitched up my Spanx, readjusted my boobs back into my dress returned to group and we headed off to our restaurant reservation.  I had hoped once seated at dinner that I would be able to relax and finally enjoy myself.  As it turns out, although I had managed to temporarily curtail my burgeoning bosom, my tummy had other ideas.  Ever expanding by the heavy dinner, my cake rolls were forcing the top of the Spanxs to roll down, creating unsightly, bizarre looking bulges and cutting off my circulation as they squeezed tightly round my mid section. The bulges, like sausage in a skin looked even worse squashed painfully up against the rolled down control top pants and the super tight dress just acted like microscope _ magnifying each and every lump and bump.

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James and I at dinner in STK (still in my coat)

I spent the whole night sat at that dinner table with my coat on.  Every now and then, during a break in conversation, James would lean over and whisper to me “take your coat off” but I just shook my head and wrapped my arms even tighter around my stomach.

 

I came home and decided I didn’t want to spend another second feeling uncomfortable and miserable in my own skin. That I would never ever wear a pair a of Spanx again and that I would never rely on a dress to make me feel good.

I gave my baby my body. I wanted my body back. It was time to rebuild my body and rebuild myself along with it.
42 weeks of Kayla Itsines #Bikinibodyguide later I can say I never have worn spanx again. I don’t project my self worth on to items of clothing and i feel better than ever about my body.  This program is the hardest and the easiest thing I have ever done for myself.
It’s 28 minutes. It’s horrendous. But I’m loving myself inside and out for every single second of it.

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21 thoughts on “Why I Started… its a long story.

    1. Thank you so much, Ahhh it was such a lovely time especially coupled with great health – I’ll keep my fingers crossed that you too get the magic hormones – when the time comes of course xx

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  1. I feel that I can completely relate to your story, except the pregnancy bit – my daughter is 18 now and I actually weigh more than when I was 9months pregnant! I have spent more time in my coat than I should have done at weddings due to feeling uncomfortable. thank you for sharing this

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  2. Refreshingly honest as usual Nikki!
    I hope your blog goes well , you have inspired so many of us and am sure will inspire a lot more in the future. Love fitmum45 xxx
    PS you still look lovely in these photos!

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  3. I love this, and I can relate. Thanks for being so real, detailed and graphic about your night because it makes me feel like I’m not an alien. I also don’t ever want to wear them but sometimes I do. I have issues with dairy and gluten so sometimes my stomach is huge for no reason and I have a formal thing to attend then I will squeeze myself into them. But i hate it. And I hope one day the abs will cover the bloat, although my abs are torn slightly by my pregnancy. You truly are my biggest inspiration. You really keep me going, sharing your story helps. A lot. Thx again xoxox

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  4. Hi Nikki,
    What a great blog you’ve written. For me it’s some time ago but I vividly remember being on an endless trainjourney and trying to get some milk out of my aching boobs whilst baby was at home…
    I’ve just started BBG and your insta is a real motivation for me!
    Thanks! xxx

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  5. Loving your blog and how honest you are! Your beauty shows inside and out !! You say you have done 42 weeks of bbg. How many rounds of 1.0 and have you done 2.0 ? Thanks for the ongoing inspiration 🙂

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    1. Ah thank you so much, I can’t quite put in to words how much that means to me but it’s A LOT! I did two rounds of BBG 1 – then 1 round of BBG2 and now I’m half way through BBG3 (currently only available on the sweatwithkayla app) xx

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  6. Hi Nikki you’re blog is incredible already and so refreshingly honest! No one should have to feel like you did that night (and for the record you still looked amazing!). So glad you’re in a much happier place and have found confidence through your fitness – you definitely deserve it! Xxxx

    Amy @eatliftachieve

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  7. I feel like your beginning is exactly where I am at 3 months postpartum with my second daughter. I have been on the fence for the past month with where to begin workouts, but I am done struggling with my self-worth and body image. I’m so thankful for your honestly in your blog! You’re helping me get excited as a mom to get back in shape and find my confidence. Thanks a bunch!

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  8. Oh my gosh, I didn’t know you had Crohn’s, I do too!! I have absolutely loved following you and getting inspiration from you. I love BBG and you are a big part of that. Knowing you have Crohn’s is even more inspiring!

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    1. Hi Courtney, thank you so much, that really does mean the world to me. i was diagnosed with crohns nearly 8 years ago and this past year has been healthiest to date! hope bbg has a positive effect on your crohns too xxx

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  9. Rees, this story made me cry because it’s so totally relatable. I’m not even a mama yet, but I too have felt that debilitating discomfort about my own body, even though I’m not even considered overweight. Thank you for sharing this– makes me even more ready to start & take back my body. You are amazing!

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  10. Hi Nikki, you are amazing! your Instagram and blog are a great source of inspiration and have given me the motivation I need to get to the next level. Wondering though if you feel you’d have gotten the same results with just the guides without using the app?
    Thanks

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