The truth about buying a bikini.


I still find buying a new bikini one of life’s most scary ever moments. 

Logic would tell you that if you can suss out underwear shopping for your size and body type, then bikini shopping should be a breeze. Yet despite how similar these garments are, it’s a completely different ball game and apparently no one but no one knows the rules. (Except perhaps the Victoria Secrets Angels, who apparently know all the rules and probably made up the rules and if they don’t like one particular rule anymore, a team of people immediately rush to their sides to re adjust, re-cut and re-sew the rules to their better than perfect bodies.)

I don’t know what it is or why it’s is. – But you see a bikini online or on the hanger and it looks so cute and flattering and stretchy. Then when you try it on, no matter how in shape you are how good condition your body is in.  It NEVER looks the way you imagined it would.

 On the hanger it promises great things, amazing curves, material with second skin properties and the ever appealing “we are adjustable!  So we guarantee we are going to fit you like a dream” features. 

In reality, the fabric is unforgiving; it digs in to your skin. It hits you at all the most unflattering places making you look wide or hippy or or out of proportion and never stays put so you are always either tucking your boobs back in or untucking your briefs from your butt cheeks


The top

Despite the cup size claims, the bikini top is never the same sizing as your normal bra, either giving you 4 boobs, arm pit boobs, or sitting about an inch away from your chest so everyone can see into your everything!

The Bottom

You can look freaking amazing in underwear, not a lump or bump in sight.  But you put on bikini bottoms and although the Lycra is stretchy, the elastic holding it up is actually made of barbed wire and cuts you off right round the hips, making you look like you have love handles even when you don’t.

The hipster bikini bottoms  are either cut way too small on the bum showing your crack, or its baggy and sagging like a used baby’s nappy.  Not the full coverage booty uplifter it claimed to be.

Bikinis make me constantly disappoint myself. Through no fault of my own and it’s frustrating and demoralising.

If I can find flattering underwear, that accentuates what I’m working with. Is there some secret reason why a Bikini can’t be made with the same fit and construction?  Is it really too much to ask, that they design and manufacture a bikini in a similar way to underwear, in a similar cut, using SIMILAR ELASTIC!  Is the process really anything more complicated than underwear being made in a fabric that is suitable for water?  Am I crazy?… Or should I just start wearing my bra and knickers to the pool now?

A word of advice

So my lovely friends…  If you ever find a bikini that delivers the dream of frolicking around half naked in the sun.  Feeling carefree and fabulous, whilst drinking out of coconuts.   Full of confidence, as you laugh and flip your hair.  Buy it.  Buy it now.  Buy it in every colour and revel in the fact that you are officially wearing a unicorn.



11 thoughts on “The truth about buying a bikini.

  1. Haha this made me laugh! I have never found a flattering bikini since my second pregnancy despite being a size ten so always revert to a swimsuit. I also have flattering underwear but I have a feeling if they used the same elastic we would be showing our lady gardens as soon as we swam one stroke! Nikki I think there is a huge gap in the market for good swimwear as I’ve virtually given up!


      1. No it isn’t, trust me! 😉 I’m struggling to find mine this spring as I’m going away to greece! i’m thinking of triangle bikinis, i heard they’re pretty good ? ;P Oh and btw I just made a facebook page! it would mean so much to me if you check it out and tell me what you think? thank you! ❤


  2. You speak the truth, milady! But you must be told that you look damn good in a bikini.

    I have never looked good in one. Not even at my thinnest/fittest/spriteliest teenage self.


  3. This is soooo true! Happy to know I’m not the only one that feels that way. If only a group of women could get together and create a swimsuit or bikini that is actually flattering!


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